There have been times where I sit quietly simply amazed at
life and my own journey.
I would like to share my story of connecting the dots
backwards to my full circle moment meeting and spending time with Ram Dass,
famed meditation master, spiritual teacher and acclaimed author of Be here now.
The story began 11 years ago, my cousin after years of trying to conceive had a
baby boy they named Jesse Shawn. Jesse lived on earth only 3 ½ months before
unexpectedly passing away. It was tragic… the whole thing, devastating is an
understatement. I was trying to wrap my head around seeing a 3 ½ month old
lying in a coffin. As a mother, my instinct was to stand by the coffin hoping
to see if a breath would come. As strange as that sounds. I think most mothers
have experienced the feeling of concern when your infant child was sleeping so
deeply, you instinctually check for breathing.
After returning from Jessie’s memorial service, my best
friend recommended that I read the book by Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. She
had read this book after her father had passed unexpectedly I
ordered and began to devour every word, highlighter in hand, I couldn’t read it
enough. Stories of people experiencing various tragedies, yet with each tragedy
people were able to ‘phoenix’ from the ashes of devastation and live a second
life with new wisdom gained from the experience and pain.
Broken Open was my first introduction to a story about a
man named Ram Dass. His story was compelling to me. For what reason, I am
unsure. Maybe it was from all of the years working with stroke patients in rehab
facilities. His story drew me in. His mindset of how he shifted his thinking as
to what he had gained from having
his stroke, while becoming completely dependent on others for his psychical
needs. His phoenix post stroke, to live life as the soul of Ram Dass, versus
Ram Dass the man. His name had been
planted in my subconscious.
Life moves forward …
I became a widow at the ripe age of 41. Yup…
Incomprehensible and devastating. My two sons had found the body of their shaving
father who had suffered a massive heart attack in the shower at age 48. I was
at work. I came home to the coroners and having to console my two boys. What
came next was a bit of a blur in truth, but what I do remember is feeling
humbled by having an outpouring of help and support from our little community.
I was always the one giving and supporting others, but the tide had turned and
all I could do was humbly say thank you to all my friends, my church and my
community. As the dust began to
settle and life resumed with this new normal, the boys went back to school. I
found myself picking up the book that I came to find so much inspiration from
years earlier. I instinctively knew that I had to begin my healing from the
inside out. Over the years, yoga has
always been my refuge, so I made the decision to start yoga teacher training.
It was in one of our teaching circles, the name RAM DASS came up…. I thought to myself how interesting it was
for the seed of Ram Dass that planted years ago had come back to visit. I
understood at that moment, he was someone to me, I simply didn’t see the
connection at that point.
Spring break 2015
We had decided to spend Spring Break in Maui with the
family…While enjoying family time, a longtime family friend messaged me… She
was in Maui and wanted to meet up for a visit. We hadn’t see each other in
years and apparently, Maui was where we could reconnect. She was staying on
other side of the island.. I had no idea what
would happen next. She told me that a close
friend of my older brother lived up the street. She wanted to introduce us and
spend time visiting and reconnecting. Rick is a famous glassblower, his work
had us all in awe. Rick told us his story of his journey from his first job as
a paperboy to how he got to where he is today. It was one of those moments when
you step back and simply take it all in. I was standing watching my teenage boys
listening to Rick’s story, looking around at the beauty of his property. For a
moment, I took a breath and thought how thankful I was at that moment and to
the second life which Steve and I had created blending our two families.
While feeding the horses, I asked who his neighbors were…
that’s when it happened… … He pointed to a rooftop and said well, that’s where
Ram Dass lives…. Very nonchalant…. At that exact moment I wish I could have
seen my face… I immediately looked at Steve, our eyes met and no words were
needed, he knew.
Rick then proceeded to ask, do you want to meet him? I
looked at my clothing choice for our Road to Hana adventure. So many thoughts
started spinning in my mind…. I can’t meet Ram Dass in a bathing suit (crazy
but my truth) I wanted to look presentable (funny how the mind works right?)
The boys, the boys would not understand without long explanation of how
important this man and his journey has been to me. How he had suffered a stroke,
has gone on to live a second life that continues to transform others while he
lives being completely dependent on others. It
was too much to explain and for them to grasp the importance. They are
teenagers who were interested in Rick’s story, his glassblowing studio but they
wanted to continue on to the road to Hana with the waterfalls. So after a
wonderful few hours, we left…Knowing full well that we would return one day
just the two of us.
Christmas 2017…
I decided I wanted a new tradition to be started. I wanted
to have a hand written love letter for Christmas. Christmas morning came and in the tree I
spotted an envelope with my name on it…
I kept it close with the commotion of everyone opening
their presents. I didn’t even open until far later when I had gone to my office
to read by myself. I had a feeling I might cry and I didn’t want to throw off
the mojo of Christmas morning…
Inside was a beautiful love letter and reservations to
Maui! Steve had reached out to Rick and
was making it happen. This trip would be just Steve and I. The first big
vacation without kids. We have had weekends away, but since we have been
together, we have never gone on a true vacation without the boys. This would be
the first. On the back of the letter, he wrote, P.S. I thought maybe you and I
could visit Baba Ram Dass….
… it was happening…
Valentines week 2018…
Maui was picturesque … Visited Rick at the Maui Art’s Guild
and he said to me, just call him (Ram Dass). My mind again raced, I can’t JUST
CALL Ram Dass… please Rick can you initiate the dialogue so I don’t look like a
complete weirdo. He laughed but I think he understood. You see, although I
wanted to meet Ram Dass, I knew there was always a possibility that it would
not happen. I had to be ok with however the chips fell.
As our week of Maui adventures continued I sent an email,
explaining who I was, that I was a friend of Ricks and where we were staying. I
couldn’t believe that I received a response back. So much so that I
screenshotted it because I was so over the top that the sender said Reply: Ram
Dass, I thought holy sh**, I just got an email from Ram Dass, As I gulped air
(what I do when I get really nervous) . From there, the communication was open
and a time to meet and visit was set. I again said to Steve, Holy sh**, this is
really happening….
We were scheduled to meet the day we were leaving. What a
perfect way to end this special trip to Maui. We arrived and what happened next
still gets me teary. I knew that physically he was a man that had suffered a
stroke. Having worked for so many years with stroke patients, I was comfortable
about his physical shape. We walked up to the door, Steve and I looked at each
other and realized just how life changing this was going to be. Eleven years
from the time I first read of him to now standing on his front porch. A nice young man answered the door and welcomed us in.
After a few moments of gracious introductions, we were escorted into see Ram
Dass. His chair sat overlooking his grounds and the ocean… Chairs were lined to
his left for visitors to sit. He welcomed us in, reached out and squeezed my
hand, his soul was greeting us and I immediately thanked him for his time and
making space to visit. He laughed and
raised his hand and said “space, I have plenty of space” and we sat down.
The next thirty minutes felt like time stood still. Nothing
else existed. We were very much in that and only that moment. I looked in his
eyes and again thanked him, then asked how he was. It is the caregiver in me.
He said ‘physically I am 86 years, inside I am eternal”. I began to tell him of the story of how I
originally learned of who he was by his friend’s book. How that book helped me
when my husband had died, then going into yoga teacher training. How Rick was
his neighbor and how this was my gift for Christmas. Something magical
happened, his eyes twinkled, looking at me and he acknowledged my awakening. I
understood why it all had happened. I understood I had to go through the
difficult days. I had to experience tragedy to be sitting where I was that day
in Maui.
The Ram Dass I was sitting with was not a victim of his
physical circumstances. Who technically, could easily fall into that roll, but
has chosen to do the opposite. The Ram Dass sitting before me has chosen to
utilize the gifts that his soul was given…and give to others. I explained that as a therapist I work with many who
after having a stroke, who's families cannot live outside the victim role, only able focus
on what they have lost (or do not have)… He smiled again, I got it…He went on
to tell his story of when he initially had experienced his stroke and how he
had to fire certain doctors because of their poor outlook on his prognosis. When
he spoke, because of the expressive aphasia, there were moments of silence
while he found the words, he was explaining what was happening, I responded
with a compliment of how well he spoke all things considered, with the aphasia,
he belly laughed out loud.
We spoke about raising our 3 teenage boys, he laughed when
we told them we are the only people in our neighborhood that has our kids mow
the lawn. He laughed and spoke about how growing up in New Hampshire, mowing
lawn was so very important.. He looked at me and said, “you are a mom of
teenage boys”. I said yes, yes I am and he smiled then let out a little laugh..
He spoke about how when he had his stroke, he lost “things”….
he lost playing golf + driving fast cars but what he had gained by going inside
to his soul, far exceeded the loss from the outside world, then it happened the twinkle in his eyes, I understood and
acknowledged the moment. What he gained was immeasurable and priceless.
When our visit was coming to a close. , I asked light
heartedly if we could take a selfie…He said ‘absolutely, come down right here
right next to me’… we all laughed… Those moments are forever imprinted in my
heart and in my mind. Before we left, I asked if the next time we were in Maui
if we could visit again, he replied with, “of course!”
As we were leaving, I again thanked him for the visit. He
reached out his hand and squeezed mine and when our eyes connected that last time,
I all I could see was love. When we stepped back onto the porch we looked at
each other in a bit of disbelief and amazement of what had just happened. I
told Steve, I know that he loves everyone, making everyone feel special, that
is what he does, but I swear, I think he likes me. We laughed a little,
squeezing each other’s hands. Our lives are forever changed.
I could have never dreamed up the journey I have been
given. Through the peaks and valleys, it is all for a reason, at times not making
sense. Sometimes you simply need to wait to see the why… just like I did 11
years ago…I feel fortunate and unbelievably thankful for the opportunity to
have been able to meet and visit with Ram Dass. I am thankful to have such an amazing soul be part of my journey.
Blessings,
Mac
