I would like to write a bit about something that I have experienced . Some that know me, know the story in which I am about to tell.
Scott passed away on December 12, 2011. Our lives turned upside down. I made all decisions based on my gut. I was not able to truly openly grieve without my boys being around until my mom's 80th birthday in March 2012.
We were in Sonoma at the Carneros Inn celebrating my moms birthday during the boys spring break. My gut was telling me, I needed quiet time with nature and to sweat. I have a special trail I have taken over the years through the vineyards. To say it is peaceful and grounding is an understatement, I feel as though I return home when I put my feet on this particular trail.
That run truly transformed me. Not the run per say, but what I heard. You see up until that week, I had not even thought about reading a book about grief. Not quite sure why, just hadn't been a thought. I think I had been to overwhelmed trying to keep my head above water to think about reading.
Well, this is what I will tell you. I ran, and admittedly I was a hot mess. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, snot running down my face, I was a mess. I knew the emotions needed to surface. I was told once by a dear friend Amy E, to allow the emotions to come like a house guest you don't want to stay at your house. Accept the emotions to surface, knowing they will not be staying forever.
Accept I did and lets just say,oh my.
So as I was running, there was a crow that I swear that it was following me. I started thinking to myself that it was Scott's spirit. I then began using logic, thinking maybe I might be nuts. Right then and there I knew that I needed to order a book or two on grief. I was clearly ready for the next step. I found out that seeing spirits in animals in completely normal, phew.
As some of you that have read my blog know, Andy Grammer was my go-to artist during the initial months following Scott's passing. Sometimes,I enjoy putting my playlist on shuffle and see what would play, looking for a sign of some type. I know this sounds odd to some, but it is bizarre how a certain song will play at exactly the right moment, complete serendipity.
Then it happened.
I heard him, not out loud, but in my head, clear as day. I cant quite describe it any other way. This is what I heard:
"Mac, it has to be this way, trust me"
He kept repeating this.
I cant tell you know how many times I heard this during that run.It was a bit like a Long Island Medium moment. I cant explain how clear as day it sounded. I heard his voice down into my bones. I came back to the house, I had experienced an awakening or sorts. I made the decision that I was going to focus my attention inward. I was going to focus my energy on supporting and raising our boys and making me the best Macara that I could be.
.
Widowed at 41.
Those that know me know that I am not a victim. I don't identify with that word. I have experienced a pity party or two in my years. But, they are short lived. What I can tell you is that I was going to prioritize. I knew that I would find another man at some point. I was only 40, but my focus was this, after 19 years with Scott Brachmann, I needed to figure out who Macara was, without Scott.
So that is exactly what I did. I retreated and kept to my little family. I did my work. I found myself.
Fast forward to summer of 2012.
Steve and I had began long distance dating. One of his trips to MN we went to La-la palooza in Chicago. By the time we arrived , we needed a bit of a nap since most activities happen late into the night. We had decided to drive, ugh the traffic from MN was not so great. So we napped to recharge for the night's festivities. (fyi, take the plane from MN to Chicago, worth every penny)
What I am about to write is still boggles my mind..
Do you know what it feels like when you are lying in the sun with your eyes closed? You know how you see light? It is an orange color through your eyelids? Well, I had that. Along with the light I heard three chimes/bells. Once, twice, three times, waking my conscious up, I was still asleep but was somehow feeling awake . I heard this:
"Mac, this is why it had to be"
My eyes opened and I thought holy shit. I laid there quietly trying to process what had just happened. I wasn't sure if I should tell Steve, I was a bit worried he was going to think I was crazy, hearing my dead husband while I was sleeping next to him.
I decided to tell him.
I did return to MN and spoke with my Pastor. I explained what I experienced and this was his amazing response,"Well Macara, it sounds like you got confirmation and closure". I was speechless trying to stay strong but I found myself crying by the time I got in the car after church.
I thought about those words, confirmation and closure. Powerful.
Confirmation that he had crossed over to the other side. Closure, with knowing the reason why he left this Earth.
You see, Scott was a strong man. He was a larger than life character who the boys and I shared with the world. With him working overseas, he became hardened. He admitted finally that he had suffered from the effects of being a war zone for too long, the scarlet letters of PTSD. He knew that with all that he had seen and done in his career he was not the same man that he used to be. This translated onto our family.
Fast forward to Fall 2013.
Through my studies at Institute for Integrative Nutrition, I met my friend Catherine . I know that people are brought into your life for a reason. Catherine ( a Theata healer) is my Long Island Medium. After our health history's were complete, she asked if I had any questions for her... Hmm, I thought, ...should I?
I asked about Scott. She said this, you know Macara, he watches over many in this world. He knows you are cared for and in a good place. I thought, ok, that's kinda strange. Not even like a hello from the other side huh? Especially when I speaking with someone who can hear spirits clearly. In truth, I felt a little jipped.
My life continued moving forward, we prepared Steve's home to be placed on the market, the house sold quickly and we had to move into a rental. We finally found our new home and it is currently being remodeled before we move in.
December 12, 2014, the third anniversary of his passing came. It was my intention
to pick up the boys from school and take them to sushi. It has become our tradition.
I'm not quite sure how this happened, but it was serendipity at its finest, music was on shuffle, Kiss you slow by Andy Grammer came on. I love this song, The words meant something different on that day.
Dec 12th was a rainy day here in southern California. The moment, the song began to play, the sun broke through and shined rays of light. I was singing loudly like I do when I am by myself in the car.... I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and love. I not sure how else to explain it in words. After I felt this, I immediately began to sob.
I was speechless.. I wasn't sure what had just happened. I tried to use logic. Was it emotions that had needed to be released? Having an emotional moment?
Here I was driving on the 101 to pick up the boys up from school. I had to get it together before I picked them up I thought.
I didn't speak of what happened. In truth, I didn't know what had happened. I did send a short email to Catherine explaining the moment that I experienced.She gave me confirmation, yes it was Scott, adding that the love always remains strong and he is very proud of me. Whoa.
Why am I writing about something so personal?
I want us to remember why we celebrate Christmas. Although the gifts under the tree bring excitment and are fun to open, it's goes far deeper than that for me this Christmas.I want us to think about the ultimate gift we have been given since birth. I want us to remember those loved ones we have lost, and that their spirits continue to live on. Just not on this physical realm. Its the greatest gift.
While enjoying Christmas this season, take a moment to think of those that have crossed over to the other side. They have been given the ultimate gift of eternal life.
So the next time you see a rainbow, or feel a certain something, open your mind and your hearts to the idea that your loved one is close and bringing you a sign from the other side.
It is my hope that you enjoy a Christmas full of love,laughter and spending time with family and friends. Maybe making a few great memories along the way.
Merry Christmas,
No comments:
Post a Comment